I am Musically Pretentious

As shown through this little feature from the Onion AV Club. Here are some of my favorite rock instruments featured:

2. The Chapman Stick

Art rock—especially '80s-00s King Crimson—wouldn't be complete without the Chapman Stick, a combination guitar and bass that looks like a 2x4 and is played by tapping the strings with both hands. (Or with little drumsticks tied to your fingers, if you're Tony Levin.) Though its clean lines look best next to the stylishly bald and mustached Levin, it's forever connected to serious, ponytailed men like Trey Gunn, who look like they treat "picking" and "strumming" with a sniff of contempt. The Chapman Stick is also worn across the chest with the top resting on the player's shoulder, giving the impression that it's so precious, it needs to be cradled.

5. Bagpipe

Who hasn't had a bad experience with a bagpipe? It's the loudest, most boorish acoustic instrument there is, whether it's outside, ruining a perfectly fine public park, or on a concert stage, where—as one example—the Battlefield Band wheels out its bagpiper with almost circus-like fanfare, like the audience is about to watch someone take a cannonball to the chest. The only safe place to use them is at funerals: That's the only time they don't think they're the guests of honor.

Here's another instrument I never heard of, but think sounds pretty damn cool:

1. The Eaton-Moog Multiple-Touch-Sensitive Keyboard

For years, prog rockers tainted Bob Moog's name by playing his keyboards while wearing in shiny silver capes, or standing in the orchestra pit at Rick Wakeman's King Arthur On Ice tour. But the late, legendary synth-maker wasn't immune to delusions of grandeur: In 1992, Moog and University of Chicago music prof John Eaton debuted a revolutionary new instrument: the Eaton-Moog Multiple-Touch-Sensitive Keyboard, sometimes called "The World's Most Sensitive Musical Instrument." Its 49 keys respond to five kinds of movement—from touch pressure to the way players roll their fingertips and slide them up and down the keys—to adjust the volume, vibrato, and pitch. Reportedly, the prototype sits in Eaton's attic, but the instrument never made it into production. Has anyone pitched it to Keith Emerson?

They frequently mention Bob Moog, creator of the greatest synthesizer ever, the Mini Moog. Perhaps it's my preference for prog rock, as opposed to minimalist indie rock (definitely a staple of the writers of the AV Club).

Anyway, long live the Chapman Stick!